I don’t want to live in a box.
That may sound weird out of context, but I really don’t. I don’t want to be confined. I don’t want to be told I cannot get out; I cannot stretch myself to new limits, reach out into the unknown, touch and feel new things. I don’t want to be restricted; I don’t want to be told no or asked why I want to venture outside the zone that is the box. Despite my anxiety battle, I hope to achieve great things and one day feel enough strength and positivity inside that I burst out of the bloody box and attack life with everything I’ve got.
Let’s put this in context: I learnt today, from reading other people’s posts about my blog, that my writing is diverse. Almost as diverse as me; in fact, if I take a good look at my blog, as I am right at this moment, I’m realising it is a reflection of every mood, every situation, every feeling I am experiencing in my life at a given moment. That’s why I write about everything.
In the words of the Venga Boys – UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN
I’m an up-and-down kind of girl. In the same way that you either love or hate Marmite, I’m either totally up or totally down. It’s very all or nothing. When I’m good I’m really good but when I’m bad I’m awful. I’ve always had that rhyme somewhere in my head. Not least because people used to sing it to me and still do, but because it’s true. When I’m at my best I’m glowing, positively full of the joys of life. But when I’m down, I shut off. I can’t talk and I don’t want to. My anxiety begins to tell me those lies I mentioned in a previous post, and situations in my head manifest themselves in my reality, due to my action, or, in-action in hiding.
So! When I’m good and when I’m great, you get The ‘Real’ Daily Aimée, the Aimée with a plan who knows where she’s going and what’s she doing with herself for a few days. The Aimée who is on top of everything, (including her dream of posting daily on her blog), the Aimée who can juggle a million things, be everything to everyone and take complete control of the situation. I suppose this is reflected in my blog through the patterns of continuity revealed by my posts. An indication would also be the things I blog about, if I manage to get up and do one, when I’m feeling low.
Suprisingly, when I’m at my most content, my strongest, that’s when I blog about my mental health issues and how I’m struggling. But when I’m bad, when I’m awful, when I’m at my weakest and darkest, that’s when I’ll go to the shops and try to buy something that will cheer me up, resulting in a small or rather large haul. It is then that I will start something creative in order to fill my mind with nicer things. Interesting, isn’t it. It’s hard to tell what a person’s going through from their social media; blog, Twitter, Insta – whatever. People have different reasons for posting different things and that’s cool.
So, whilst I’m suffering once again from my good ol’ friend anxiety-induced insomnia, which I’ve written about before, and will no doubt touch upon again as it has been RULING my life, I have at least learnt something about the nature of my writing and my blog.
I always wanted to have an everything blog, because I like and try to find the beautiful in everything to cheer my little resting-bitch-face up and I love finding people to share in this with. But it is also an outlet for me because, since childhood, I’ve always found the easiest way to communicate is through writing; and on here I can say things that I would never have the confidence to say eloquently out loud.
I feel a little better now! Ahh. My therapy. I may well try and sleep.